Be Present

I’ve finally realised what has been bothering me the last few weeks.  I haven’t been present.  I try to live by the adage: “Be Present”.  I think I first heard it in a movie.  But lately I haven’t been present for anything I’ve done.  I’ve got too much to do and have been constantly devoting my thoughts to other things while I’m doing the important things.  I want to be present again.  Even my internet shows how I am no longer present, I am constantly split between so many things.  When I open up my internet browser, five tabs open automatically.  Twitter, University homepage, Facebook, Google and WordPress. It goes to show how I’ve been splitting myself between so many things for so long.

I need to stop.  I need to breathe. I need to BE PRESENT.  As I’m writing this now, I’ve done so many other things since I started. I’ve got myself some water, taken a painkiller, talked to VikingMan, Facebooked, watched a YouTube Video and Googled some stuff.  Now wonder I’m so stressed. I don’t just focus any more. Ok, for the rest of the day, I’m going to BE PRESENT.

Confusion

I’m feeling very confused.  I’m still really pissed off with DutchBoy and Shrub keeps hinting about the two of us.  Of course he doesn’t know we were still flinging and he doesn’t know how badly it ended.

I dreamt about Shrub the other night.  I dreamt he was into me.  Which is a complication I don’t need since he’s going to be scoring AudreyH tonight.  That’s going to be wierd… me in my room knowing that Shrub is across the corridor in her room making out with her.  I’m not too sure how I feel about that.  I made a comment the other to him about him and I… it was a joke and I can’t remember what I said but I know it ended with me saying something about him rejecting me if I made advances on him, and he looked at me and said, “Rejection? Never!”  I think he was just being his usual flirtatious self but… I still dreamt about him.

Does it ake me a bad person that I don’t actually like people knowing I made out with DutchBoy? I just don’t want to be associated with him. And does that mean I’m denying a part of myself by denying my association with him?  Not that I have denied it… I just want to.

So I mentioned to VikingBoy that I was interested in his friend (yet to give him a nick) and he’s kinda set us up and now I’m not so sure… I’m a little nervous.  Oops.

But Now You’re Listening

How am I supposed to blog about how hot BelgianBoy is looking and how much I’d like to (meet him and then) do certain things to him when he is reading my blog??  *sigh* What’s a girl to do when her secrets are being read??

But yeah, Belgian Boy’s new haircut is HOTT… (don’t get too full of yourself… wait, what am I saying? go ahead…)

and on a separate note…. my sex drive is back…. it’s back strongly… the workings of the human body…. I’ll never understand.

just finished my draft research project… I left a lot out but put in promises to finish those sections… will let you know if it flies with my supervisor.

Going to leave the safety of the computer labs and drive home now… a little scared of the stairs and the walk to the car.  Good Night Bloglings

P.S.  I always find it entertaining how many more people read this because I’ve tagged sex in it… humanity…

Weight and Thinnness

So… even though I’ve lost 7 kgs (yes 7… I don’t think I’ve been keeping you up-to-date on that one) I’ve been having a few fat days…. you know those days where you just feel fat… And I’ve come to the conclusion that I still feel fat and insecure… Even though I’m no longer too big for my clothes… I’m still a bit flabby in them, even though they’re all a little big for me now… but still… what I’m trying to say is… is there ever a point you get to where you are thin enough??  Well, health wise I still need to lose more weight… so I’ll get to it.

My headaches are back.. Which sucks.  I don’t know if it is because I’ve been having caffeine and dairy and chocolate (I had chocolate for the first time in exactly two months on Monday) but I’m trying to cut them out again… it could also be lack of exercise… but where am I supposed to find the time?

I’m sorry for the boring post.

Good Night Bloglings (And BelgianBoy) :p

Fate and Destiny?

How much of a hand do fate and destiny have in our lives?  When I met PortugueseBoy, I immediately was attracted to him.  That day AfrikaansBoy asked me out.  This was years ago, 2004 to be exact.  I was young yes, and naive… but all that hope and belief and passion… I would love to have all that back.   Anyway, that evening, sitting with my group of firends, I was mesmerized by the sound of PortugueseBoy’s voice… entranced even.  But it didnt bother me that I was now dating AfrikaansBoy, because I knew that one day I would be with PortugueseBoy, and not to rush things.  It wasn’t a hope or a crush I had.  It was a knowledge that settled inside me. A voice spoke to me in the quiet recesses of my mind, and I knew with one hundred percent certainty that one day I would be with PortugueseBoy.  And I was.  Three months later when things ended with AfrikaansBoy and I, PortugueseBoy and I slowly but surely fell in love.  And we were together for over two and a half years.  Today he is still one of my best friends.  He knows me better than anyone else and is a rock in my life that I couldnt live without.  We don’t talk all that often because of the distance, and we’re not together for the same reason.  Well, initially, but also just that the distance changed us in time until we were no longer people who could be together, despite how much we love eachother.  The love changed as we changed.  But it’s that knowledge I had.  That certainty.  That absolute clarity of mind and heart that I had that I would one day be with him.

I met a man end of last year.  His parents are friends of my dad.  I need a name for him.  Let’s call him MrPerfect. He gets that title because he had the perfect manners, the perfect smile, the perfect personality.  He cleaned up the kitchen at our house without a hesitation, even after I begged him to leave it because he was the guest.  If I remember correctly he had lovely blue eyes.  But an inner smile.  Just lovely.  I won’t deny I had an instant crush on him. But he was engaged to be married a week later, so I pushed the feelings down and ignored them, but I had that thought in the back of my mind:  nothing lasts forever, you’ll get your chance.  I’m not as sure about love as I was when I was 16 and met PortugueseBoy.  Then I believed in love, I believed in destiny.  Now, I want to believe, but I’m guarded against hurt and pain.  But I had that thought in the back of my mind.  A few weeks ago, I went out to dinner with my dad and MrPerfect’s parents (he got married incidently, the week after I met him, and he went back overseas with his wife and I haven’t seen him since, as things should have worked out, they did).  His mother was telling me about how she never really liked his wife, and how she thinks that he and I would be perfect for each other.  It’s not the first time his parents had told me that they wish I could be with their son… they’ve said it a few times.  Always with a regret in their voice that he’s married.  They have another son (also engaged) but it’s MrPerfect they think I’d be perfect for.  (They both adore me incidently *grin* ((By ‘they’ I mean MrPerfect’s parents)) ).

I just received a phone call from my dad.  MrPerfect is getting a divorce, he’s moving out today.  They haven’t even been married a year.  Why did dad phone me to tell me this?  I hate the fact that my first thought was a selfish thought about me and him and the possibility of fate, and the coming true of my initial thought when I met him: nothing lasts forever.  Shame, he must be in so much pain right now.  The embarrassment and hurt of having your marriage end barely before it’s started.  The pain of love ending, of the ending of a relationship.  I really hope he’s okay, because he is a really great guy.

Maybe destiny has a hand in this.  Maybe it has nothing to do with me.  I don’t have any sure feelings in my heart or my mind like I did with PortugueseBoy.  All I know is, his parents like me, his mother thinks we’d be perfect for each other.  He’s great from the couple of hours that I vaguely spent with him, a total of about 10 minutes of conversation.  I know that I have hope, because even when I met him, he was the most decent man I’d met in years.  And he’s a man, unlike all the other males you read about in my blog (incidently, I might refer to PortgueseBoy as ‘boy’ but he too is man in my eyes – he’s earned it, he’s 25 and mature).  I have no certainty.  I don’t really believe in destiny or fate or love anymore, or even forever… but maybe, just maybe…

How to Treat a Woman: A Little Bit of Self-Respect

Dear DutchBoy,

Oh God I don’t even know what to say to you.  Thanks for almost making me feel like a dirty slut… Although I know I have to take some of the blame for that.  I guess I’m most pissed off that I wasn’t the one to end it, when I was so determined that I was the one in control.  I thought more of you though, I honestly did.  Your parting words, “Don’t expect to hear from me.” How mature, how fucking mature.  And all because you didn’t want to treat me like an actual friend. NEWSFLASH: friends with benefits cannot just mean benefits… the key word is FRIENDS.  I can’t believe that you ACTUALLY said to me that if we weren’t screwing around you would have no reason to call me. Well, like I said, I consider you a friend.

You need to grow up.  And fast.  Learn that it’s not all about sex.  Although, I guess for a 22 year old virgin that might be hard for you to comprehend: getting a little desperate are we?  It shows, and you need to learn that it should never show.  You wonder why I wouldn’t return the favour – BECAUSE I FUCKING KNEW THAT YOU DIDN’T CARE ABOUT ME AND I WASN’T ABOUT TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO THAT KIND OF INTIMACY AND PAIN. Learn not to treat a woman like an object for your sexual pleasure, and more like the woman that she is.  Learn to appreciate her beauty and her mind and what she can do for you other than in the bedroom. I don’t say this because I think that’s how men think, I’m not that stupid or naive, I know all you bastards ever think about sex.  But the clever ones, the ones who are getting laid regularly, the ones who have the girls who do the weird stuff, it’s because they’re doing it right.  Treat a girl as a human being first, and an object of your affection (or blood fuelled lust) second, respect her, humour her, and put her needs before your own, and well… the rest of it she’ll be more than willing to do.  Well, I would have being willing… more than willing – had you actually taken the time to treat me like a human being.  Just a little thought for you.

So congratulations on leaving me feeling confused, and insecure and more than a little dirty, not to mention used and more than a little pissed off.  I wont leave satisfied out – and no, that has nothing to do with the orgasm, that was average… my satisfaction comes from the fact that I left you wholly unsatisfied.  It makes me feel serene inside knowing that you didn’t get what you wanted… I’m not that easy, I make my decisions, and I know where I stand.

I don’t need to feel confused because I have nothing to be confused about.  I knew we were just friends with benefits… although you’ve made it perfectly clear that the friends part is not something you ever factored into it.  But that’s nothing to feel confused about.  You’re entirely too immature and inexperienced to know how these things really work.

I don’t need to feel insecure, because I know I’m gorgeous and getting thinner.  And you’re not the most attractive thing on the planet yourself. Not even close, you’re lucky to have even had me if we’re going entirely on looks, and even on personality.  You’re entirely selfish and self-admittedly uncaring.  Yes so I might be going through a bitchy phase but overall I’m a nicer person than that, I actually care about the people in my life… it doesn’t matter what capacity they’re serving, I care about them.  Feel privileged to have shared a bed with me.

Pissed off is something I most definitely know that I am.  I’m pissed off with you for thinking that you could get away with treating me like a dirty slut.  I’m pissed of with you for not respecting me more.  I’m pissed off with men for constantly letting me down.  I’m pissed off with myself for repeatedly going for the guys who are only interested in one thing (or gay, or just uninterested in me all together – when will I get this right?)  I’m pissed off with the world and with myself for being entirely jaded by the idea of love by the time I’m 21.  I’m pissed off with you for keeping me up until late.

Feeling dirty: well yes I do still feel a little dirty still, however that’s nothing a little shower won’t fix.  But, I’ve obviously learnt my lesson before with men who have used me.  I’ve felt a lot dirtier before, and it’s not thanks to you that I don’t feel like a dirty whore now.  Had you had it your way, we would have had sex, I would have sucked your knob and still left before midnight (well, that’s probably an exaggeration: “two minutes is all it will take” direct quote from you begging me to attend to your… *clear throat*… needs).  I’ve learnt my lessons Mister. I don’t do those things.  It’s not about sex for me.  I put myself first, and if I lose a guy because I didn’t sleep with him or because I didn’t go down or because I refused to ‘return the favour’… I’m not sweating it because then he’s not the guy I want.  And a little bit of side info for you… I didn’t ask for it, you gave it willingly and freely, and I certainly NEVER said that it was a reciprocal kind of fling.

Life is entirely too short to sweat the small things.  I’m going to have a shower now, let the warm water wash over my naked body and start a new day as the self-assured, confident girl I am.  (I know the thought of me in the shower is killing you DutchBoy, but it’s your own attitude that has left me as forever a lustful dream in your imagination, and a dream you will never experience in reality.  Shame for you… I’m fantastic.)

Never yours,

Everyothergirl

Sunday Morning Coming Down

So my weekend of partying up a storm was officially a failure… and a half.  Friday night I got all dressed up and ready, face painted purple ready for the Intervarsity celebrations. I had my digsmates all hyped up for the party (no simple duty I tell you) and we were on our way out to start drinking with Button when I called her only to get her voicemail.  Then I tried one of her friends, who told me that she had found her wandering down the street drunk and had taken her home, and then Button had locked her out the house and she was enough of this and didn’t want to be dealing with it.  So I said I would sort it out because I knew that something had to be seriously wrong for her to behave like that. My digsmates and I went in seperate cars and I told them I would meet up with them when I had found Button and sorted thingsout.  After standing for twenty minutes outside her apartment screaming her name and attempting to bang down her door she let me in and said she hadnt heard me.  Not so sure I believe her. She had almost been arrested for drunk driving and was in a state.  She’s your classic good girl and something like this was just too much for her to handle… hence I don’t drink much in the first place.  It’sgood that she got a scare because now she’ll never drink and drive again and maybe it will save a few lives.  She was lucky the police were in a good mood and she got away with leaving her car behind and a ticket for not wearing a seat belt.  But she was terrified that now she had to go to court and would have a criminal record.  So I got her changed and face washed and took her down to the police station and paid the ticket and confirmed for her that she doesn’t have a criminal record and doesn’t have to go to court.  She was pacified enough to go out for a couple cokes – no alcohol.  We met up with my digsmates, whose excitement had worn off by this time and were back to their normal, hating everything that moves selves.  We left them and tried to go join in the party.  But people were too drunk, and it was too crowded given the three other unviersities visiting our campus.  So after being bashed around on the dancefloor for a while, we left and I took Button home.  At 23.30… I tried to call mi digsmates to see if they were still out, without much hope, which turned out to be accurate since they were at home already watching Pulp Fiction.  I tried to call Shrub but he didnt answer, and Little J never takes her phone out with her.  So that was it for me.  I went home by midnight.  I took a couple of blankets and a pillow and lay under the stars for a bit listening to Meat Loaf and having a smoke.  It was actually quite nice, but lonely.

I had plans again for Saturday with Button.  I went fro breakfast with Little J who gave me an Intervarsity challenge to do on Saturday night: a list of things to get photos doing before the end of the night.  I thought it sounded like a heap of fun, but didnt think Button would find it too exciting.  Well, turns out it didnt matter because Button cancelled on me anyway, which had me crying my eyes out in fear that I was a lame loser stuck inside on a Saturday night when this awesome party was going on and all I wanted was to be there.  Little J’s friends don’t like me, and she never has her phone on her so trying to get hold of her would be pointless.  Besides, it’s no fun being sober when everyone else is stoned, and Little J is always stoned.  So I wrote off that I idea. I didnt even bother calling Shrub since he hadnt answered the night before.  And calling DutchBoy would just be wierd and it wasnt something I wanted to do anyway.  I considered calling TutorGirl but we’re not close and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go out anymore.  After crying for a bit with AudreyH comforting me I remembered that LittleJ had told me that AthleticsBoy was boycotting Intervarsity and staying in.  Now, AthleticsBoy was last year’s CrushBoy until Button decided that she liked him and started to date him after promising me she was crazy about this one and it would last a long time unlike the others so although she knew I liked him, she really really liked him and would I mind if they dated. And I’m not selfish or immature so I said as long as she really liked him and it wasnt just going to be another one of her shag-him and leave-him and break-his-heart escapades then of course I didnt mind.  Only for him to ask her out and her to say yes, kiss him, and be in my room 5 hours later crying about how she had made a huge mistake and now she had to break up with him.  And AthleticsBoy is HOTT… he runs, swims and cycles and has a cute face.  And I’m sick of going for people below my number, I’m only aiming high these days.  So since Button is completely over him (not that she ever was really into him in the first place: in my opinion it was more of just having to prove to herself that she could get the guy I liked that I couldnt get) and I saw him earlier this week in the prac I was demonstrating in, I thought I’d give him a call and see what he was up to.

He wasn’t up to anything, so I got pretty, made sure you couldnt see I had been crying and went to watch a movie with him in his room.  He really is hot.  Chiselled.  And so easy to look at.  I would have much rather watched him than the movie.  So I don’t think anything will happen between us, but a girl can hope right?  I still have this idea that he is waay out of my league.  And I have a feeling he might be gay.  How screwed up am I that I’m terrified that every guy I am attracted to is gay…. I guess I have been attracted to way too many gay guys in the past.  But there are a couple of things hinting toward him being gay… a couple of things he said.  He had just watched Seventeen Again and thoroughly enjoyed it.  He made a comment about Zac Efron, and found an advert highly funny, and most guys would be highly freaked out by the inappropriateness of the advert…  well… I’ll see how all of it goes.  I don’t know if I like AthleticsBoy anyway… I know I lust him.  I know I lust him bad.  But like him?  He’s a bit juvenile.  And he’s really uptight and agro… complaining about everything.  (I’m one to talk huh?)

So, there’s a lot I don’t like about myself at the moment.  I bitch about things a lot.  I talk about people behind their backs the whole time. I am not genuine at all. I don’t keep people’s secrets.  I steal (okay little things from my digsmates like biscuits etc) but still, I never used to steal.  I’m always complaining and I don’t like people.  I really don’t like people.  They annoy me.  That’s why I don’t have any friends.  And the friends I do have I dont particularly like.  And I didnt phone GreatGranny for her 91st birthday. I’m a bad person.  But on the good side, I’ve lost 7 kgs… what does that say about me?

Why do I feel so alone and so pathetic?  I’ve been so happy and bubbly and I’ve woken up the last couple of mornings feeling so needy.  It could just be the hormones.   Last night I dreamt of CrushBoy… I’m so scared that this is all just going to come to nothing like all my crushes in the past.  But, I won’t let it.  I’ll at least try. Be a bitmore flirty, make a plan to hang out with him.  Actually ask him out if I have to.  :p  Yeah right, like that’s gonna happen, he hasn’t even accepted my facebook friend invite.

Ok, positive thoughts for the day:

I am beautiful.  I am intelligent.  I am fun.  I am hardworking.  I am happy.

I am!

Have a nice day bloglings… maybe one day my blogs will be a bit more interesting.

Power Trip

Just got home from DutchBoy’s place… it’s after midnight… on a schoolnight… when I have a really huge assignment due in tomorrow, that I haven’t started yet.  I havent applied for my postgraduate studies like I told my mother I had.  What is up with me?  Why don’t I care?  *shrug*

DutchBoy still wants sex. He even started sulking tonight.  It was quite pathetic.  I’m sorry but that’s how I feel.  It’s disrespectful.  But I feel in control now.  I might be cruel and a tease, but he’s asking for it.  I like the power trip I’m on.  I know, that makes me sound… slutty, bitchy… take your pick.  I was so angry with him last week for wanting sex and for treating me like a prostitute.  I never stay over.  I go there, we make out, and I leave.  But then again, it’s just as much me as it is him.  He wanted me to stay tonight.  Although he didnt outright say it.  He said he didnt mind if I stayed… but there was a pleading in his voice.  I chose to leave.  I need my sleep.  I wanted my bed.  I don’t want to wake up there.  And I don’t want him to come here either.  Or to stay here.  So therefore I guess I’m treating myself like this.  But I find I odn’t mind.  I should mind.  But I don’t.  The power trip is fun.  The making out is fun.  The kissing is fun.  He needs to learn that sex isn’t the goal.  I think he’s a virgin.  In fact I’m almost 100% sure he’s a virgin. I think that’s why he’s so desperate to have sex. Not with me though.  Not gonna happen.  I can’t decide if he should get it out of his system, or if it would be better for him to wait.  At this rate I think it would be better to get it out of his system.   I’ve always said a guy’s first time shouldn’t be a meaningful time.  It’s a right of passage.  Unlike for a woman, one man- that should be the way for a woman.  I’ll never have that now unfortunately.  But if I can make sure my friends attempt that, save them the pain.

Good night bloglings… I need to sleep.

CrushBoy

Great news! CrushBoy came to sit next to me today…  Bad news… I was sick… So I’m sitting there, coughing, spluttering, wheezing and sniffing… trying my damned hardest not to be sexy, but just to not be completely repulsive.  And then he asked me if I went to the lecture that morning, when he could have asked CM.  He asked ME!

I think there is definately something here.  I am a sucker though.  I have signed up to work two afternoons a week this term, just so that I could work with him on Tuesdays.  I know, pathetic.  But I will also get more money too, which rocks!

I really hope something happens between us.  I know he’s just gotten out of a relationship… but he seems into me.  He always smiles at me, and/or comes over to talk to me.  I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I sort of feel there is more to it than just friendliness… he has that look in his eyes like he wants to say something more, but keeps resisting.  I need to be better by Tuesday… so that I don’t completely repulse him with my flu.

How exciting.