Procrastination and Perfectionism

Think I’m hormonal.  In fact pretty damn sure I am hormonal.  So sick of feeling like a failure the whole time.  Even when I’m not hormonal.  I never get anything done by the time it needs to be done.  I am always letting people down.  It’s become a way of life now.  But I’m so damn depressed about it.  No, that’s probably a lie.  If I actually cared I would do something about it.  Maybe I don’t care.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Or that I don’t care enough.

One thing I can tell you though is that I’m sick of being in pain.  Only 21 and I feel like an old lady.  If it’s not my back it’s my neck, and if it’s not my neck, it’s my head, and if it’s not my head it’s my legs.  And being tired the whole time.  That really sucks.  It’s holidays now and I’m sleeping even more than usual.  Stupid damn narcolespy.  Taken my full dose of medication today and I still feel like sleeping.  And look at me complaining… seems like all I ever do.  Although I don’t know that I complain to others a lot.  But I spend a helluva lot of time complaining to myself.  And I hate it I tell you, I really do.  I am really not a nice person to have spend 24/7 with.  If I had a choice at the moment, I wouldn’t spend time with me.  Maybe that’s the problem, that I really dislike myself so much.  And I’d be the first one to tell myself to stop complaining and do something about it.  Well, you’ll be glad to know that although I’m still complaining, I am doing something about it.

I have changed my diet in an effort to curb my headaches, and you know what, I think it might actually be working.  I have only had two really bad headaches since I started the diet, and both those days I spent a significant amount of time in front of TV.  My next step is that I’m thinking about cutting out wheat.  But wow, you know, that is a really big life change.  Do you know how many foodstuffs have wheat in them?  A LOT.  And since I’m such a fussy eater anyway… but if it gives me more energy I think it might actually be worth it. I’ve also taken some books out of the local library about diet and health.  Not dieting, that’s a completely different matter.  These ones are about how diet affects your wellbeing, food allergies and how medicating with food is better than medicating with drugs.  And since I can’t live without my prescription meds I don’t think this is such a bad route to go.  But, at the same time.  I took these books out weeks ago, and have I looked at them? No, not really.  I guess you could say I’m the queen of procrastination.  I’m forever saying to myself that I’ll do it later or tomorrow.  Half the time my only reason for not doing something is that I don’t feel like doing it.  It’s not good enough.  It’s not good enough for me.

There is so much good about me.  I could be beautiful, I used to think I was beautiful.  I am intelligent.  I am empathetic.  I have ambition.  I used to be diligent.  But I live far below my potential.  Far, far below my potential.  And there’s alot of things in my life that I can’t control.  Many of the things that I know would make my life so much more enjoyable.  But I can’t have those things, so instead of using this time to improve the other areas of my life I just let time slip past me.  If I died today, would I be happy with my life. No, not in the slightest.  And I think that is something that has been scaring me a lot recently.

My exam results come out tomorrow.  *sigh* I hope I do okay.  My exams didnt go nearly as well as planned.  Are you getting the picture yet? I’m a perfectionist… but one of those perfectionists who expects it to all come easy with minimal work.  (Yet I judge lazy people… I am learning how much of a hypocrit I am, I don’t like it.)  I was talking about my exam results with one of my dad’s colleagues the other day, and I said I was worried about how I would do, and he asked me, “Are you worried that you might have failed or are you one of those people who is concerned that their marks might not be above 70%?”  And he’s right.  I know I’ve passed, it’s near impossible that I could have failed.  I have never failed anything (serious) in my life.  So why do I feel like such a failure?  I know why.  Because: why aim for passing when I know I could get 90%.  It’s true.  I don’t like people who don’t work to their full potential.  And I am intelligent and talented and capable.  So if I get anything less than 75% it’s simply not good enough.  My marks already have to be above 65% to get into the Honours programme next year anyway, so that is the absolute minimum I could possibly get.  But if I’m aiming for 65% why not aim for 75%?  If I get above 75% I have a chance of getting a scholarship, and if I get a scholarship that takes some of the pressure off my parents in paying for my tuition.  So why don’t I work harder?  That’s the thing.  I love working hard.  I really do.  When I have put in a good, hard day of solid work, at the end of that day I feel happy and fulfilled.  So that is what I keep asking myself.  If I know all of this, and I know what it takes for me to be happy, why don’t I work harder?